A series of decisions

Yesterday (Thursday) I weighed myself....lowest number I have seen in YEARS...so I made a decision.  I suspended my healthy eating habits for the day.  Now, I didn't go nuts and eat a whole cheesecake (oh how I wish I *could* do that sort of thing though) but I did eat some french fries...my healthy eating nemesis.   And THEN to add to the unhealthy day, I *didn't* work out and I stayed up late.  The result:  I felt AWFUL this morning.  Not just disappointed in myself for letting go for the day, but seriously sick to my stomach.  I was convinced that the only way I was going to feel better was to get to the gym ASAP.  I was supposed to meet my running buddy.  She didn't show.  Oh how easy it would have been to just crawl right back into bed.  Instead, I went to the gym.  Reluctantly but knowing it was the right choice.  And then I was faced with another choice: track or treadmill?  To be honest, I think I run better, longer, faster, etc on the treadmill, so the easy answer would have been the track.  Guess what I chose?  The Treadmill.  I kept thinking about yesterday and knew I really needed to bring my game.  So I went with the treadmill.  And then, a miracle happened.  Despite being ditched, despite feeling craptacular, and despite not even wanting to be running at that moment, I just KEPT on running and eventually I ran 3.1 miles....which is, of course, a 5k!  And THEN, I did my arm weights.  Awesome.  I was so sweaty. Hooah!

So I come home and shower and discover that our lunch option today (we eat at the dinning hall/cafeteria on campus) was a BBQ.  Ummmmm, yummy?  Hamburgers, hot dogs, mac & cheese, potato salad....etc.  This is what sunny days are all about, right?  Wrong!  Today I grabbed my husband and our uber-cute 2 year old and we went to Panera.  They had sandwiches...I had a salad.  

And now, it's late in the afternoon, my kids are home from school and I am contemplating rewarding myself with a quiet ALONE night at Borders and an early bed time.  Sigh.  If only my children could catch that vision.

So, I had a few epiphanies today while running.  I'm going to share ONE of them today.  I was thinking, during my cool down walk about what I had just accomplished and what I have been able to accomplish since starting this.  I measure my weight loss in "decades" as in the 20's, the 30's, the 40's, etc (slap a 100 in front of them all).  I've gone down 2 decades already and I am just ounces away from a 3rd.  I remember how hard this running thing was for me 2+ decades ago.  I remember being embarrassed about my size and not wanting anyone to watch me run.  I still feel that way but I'm getting over it.  Not because I'm getting smaller, but because I realized something.  If someone strapped a back pack on my back today loaded with the total amount of weight that I have lost since beginning this, I doubt I could have run the 5K I did today.  When I see people exercising and they are heavier then I am, I think to myself one word: MORE.  NOT, they weigh more, but they work MORE, they are Stronger, they need this MORE, they are doing MORE, they will cry MORE at the end because they want it that much MORE.  And this inspires me to be MORE as well.  I don't want to weigh more, but I want to BE more.  Today, I felt like I grew a little bit MORE.  I could have walked an easier path today.  I could have had BBQ (still craving it a bit), I could have done the track instead of the treadmill, I could have crawled back into bed.  But I didn't.  Why?  Because I'm worth MORE than that.  MORE.  What a great word.